I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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