Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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