Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
