I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
