Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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