He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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