I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
