when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just blew my weed a kiss
That accounts for only three of the penises
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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