I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
