I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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