I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
