So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
