Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Barsexuality is the new black.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
