I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
