Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
