Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
