Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
no you cant smoke seaweed
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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