I accidentally had phone sex last night
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
