I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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