I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Randomize
