I wish you could order shots online.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
