youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
