Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
