you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
