btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
