Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
