Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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