we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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