i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
i need some magic done to my vagina
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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