My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
