He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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