the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
