Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
