what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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