i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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