The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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