Ketchup is God's man juice
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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