I could make wine with my vomit
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
