She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
