wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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