apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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