he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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