come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
