i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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