Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
