If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
