I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
