I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
