i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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