Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
